Kévin

It’s been a while since I have been able to sit down and write an entry here. It’s been quite hectic over the past few weeks with having quite a load on my plate.

I’ve managed to get a part time job with a large retailer over the weekend and helping to cover some evenings as well, it’s working out very well in fact and I am quite enjoying it. I will also be enjoying the twice monthly pay dates from my first job and two weeks later from the second. It’ll be like being paid fortnightly but not so low amounts!

I’ve not been too much other than that, my French course is progressing well and I’m starting to get in to a more functional level, hopefully we’ll be up to a conversational level too.

The only annoyance that has happened recently is that my old Yahoo! Account was hacked and pumped out some SPAM. But I seem to have sorted that out, Yahoo! Is useless at security, where Google sees odd behaviour it will deny the login. Yahoo! is all like “THAT’S COOL BRO, SEEMS LEGIT”.

Back to exciting things for now however, this is the first month I won’t be totally in the hole on pay day (the first one) so I might treat myself to a massive taco fiesta. Or Shanghai Nights, Hotcha OR EVEN A HOTLINE PIZZA, I’m overwhelmed with choice!

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So this Saturday was pretty much an utter washout for about a hundred reasons, but let’s just start off with the events only a few hours after it started.

Living in a city centre flat it’s not unusual for cunts druken clubbers to press the intercom every so often at unsocial times in the night. The sound this thing makes is probably louder than the fire alarms, but thankfully I have developped a tolerance of about 1 or 2 buzzes before I wake up with a shock and that shit drops like it’s hot when I’m woken up.

At 3.21 (I remember this as I used it as a part of a venomous rant) it started buzz Buzz BUZZZZZZZZ BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZ I literally jump out of bed, slammed my foot on the floor in shock and ribs screaming out like I just been punched. I came up to the intercom and blasted out WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU FUCKING WANT, IT’S THREE-TWENTY-FUCKING-ONE IN THE MORNING?!?!?//1/1/1/ONEONEONE she replies I want to speak to Keith, I know he lives on this road, I need to speak to him! I’ve just been mugged and I want to speak to Keith! at this point I enabled tolerance mode, he’s not in this flat, I think he’s either 4 or 1. Do you need the police? she replies No, I want Keith, I want to speak with Keith. Which button are you so I don’t press you again, Keith lives on this street! I tell her I’m the second button to the top and I leave her to it.

She continues to sound the death siren on my intercom regardless. At this point tolerance mode is starting to ware thin, I offered assistance, it was declined, ignored and she’s clearly pissed as a fart.

The next person she gets is the woman below me, who is actually rather nice (she cleaned the entire public areas from ground to top floors carpets, tile floor and dusted with no question just for the sake of it). Much like my greeting was WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT, IT’S THREE FUCKING AM, WHAT ARE YOU STUPID?same conversation ensues "I want Keith *blah blah* lives on this street *blah blah*" she mentions the mugging thing, the lady down stairs offers to ring the police which is declined. Like me she then left her to it.

Yet, still continues to buzz every flat in the building. Now I’m already savage about this as she’s got as much help from two random strangers she could ever need chucked it in our faces and is continuing to annoy us, even though it appears Keith either doesn’t fucking live here or he’s not in if he did. It’s also not considering that I have to be up in 90 minutes for work and same thing with the flat below as they both work weekends as well.

*BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BUZZ* *BUZZ* *BUZZ* (and repeat).

I’m just about to pick up the intercom and read her the riot act when the window below opens up and the woman below (who is quite Spanish) basically tells her how it is.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL DOING? IF YOU DON’T WANT THE POLICE THEN FUCK OFF, FUCKING BITCH IT’S THREE AM, GO AWAY, HE’S NOT HERE, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, STUPID BITCH" she retorts BUT I’VE BEEN MUGGED DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND I WANT KEITH, HE LIVES HERE, ON THIS STREET, HOW LONG HAVE YOU LIVED THERE? KEITH HAS LIVED HERE LONGER THAN YOU HAVE" now by now I probably would have poured a kettles worth of boiling water on her head, I totally understand that she’s in a shitty place right now, but we tried to help her and actually it’s her problem and not ours that she got mugged. The arguement contnued for another 15 minutes with highlights of FUCKINGSTUPIDFUCKINGBITCHFUCKYOU and KEITH HE LIVES HERE ON THIS STREET.

By about 4am she finally fucks off, where she went who the fuck cares, but maybe she sobered up enough to go find a copper. I know the woman downstairs called them, but at that time on a Saturday morning the ETA for any emergency service is somewhere around an hour by phone. I managed to get less than an hours sleep after that and I was not feeling being awake when I woke up again to go to work.

To and from work I was just hanging, I couldn’t get my brain to spark and it was pretty much information in, garbage out.

Once I got home this over-all tiredness on top of everything kind of made me crack a bit under the pressure. I was lying in bed, well, the sofa as my airbed popped on christmas day and I worked out that for yet another month I’m going to have £150 less than I need to basically exist (because it’s not living I’ll tell you that now). This month is pretty bad, I worked out I can’t watch television for the remainder of the month as I don’t have the electricity to spare (I’m on a pre-payment meter) now when you don’t have any money at all to go out and do things Television is about all you have to keep you from going insane.

I also had only £10 for my food budget, so I sat there feeling guilty because I spent £5 on a taco kit and beef from Tescos as it meant I basically had only enough to buy 40 sausages and 2kg of chips from Iceland (£3) followed by a few instant noodles (at 10p each), toilet roll (ASDA Smart Price) and a few deoderants and shower gells (again all cheap Smart Price stuff) to live off for the rest of the month. It also got to me that I don’t have a pair of socks that isn’t 2 years old and without holes in them, I haven’t bought a new item of clothing probably since 2009 and I pretty much have no social life to speak of.

So I kind of sparked last night and I kind of decided that I have no other option but to stop paying for the debt that is keeping me down still. This means that basically I’m going to have to make an appointment with the CAB to see about IVAs or possibly even Bankruptcy as I can’t keep on top of it any more.

I’ve cut my budget as far down as I could, I’ve even cut in to essential items, I’ve sold as much as I possibly can on eBay, I’ve had to take my car off the road and I might even have to get rid of it and it’s affecting my mental and physical state so severely it’s not healthy to continue like this. But when the end of this month hits and these companies don’t get their cash it’s going to be an onslaught of harassment from debt collection companies which means I’ll basically be scared of picking up my phone again.

I have to ask why does my life have to end up so shit? There must be some kind of logic to this, because I work hard enough for it not to be shit (6 days a week and on call 24/7). But here I am getting ready to cook saussage and chips which I’ve been eating for over a month now.

But on the brightside I have at least lost nearly 2 stone. So there are few positives.

Amazing insulation towel ACTIVATE!

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I totally fixed this shit on my own! I did this in a Bristol street to and I kind of expected a police presence at some stage but it took me about five minutes.

I’m no longer a car tard. Woo!

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He freaks me out, so I fixed his wagon.

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Isn’t this a dead gansta or something?  Rather inappropriate?!

Let me tell you a story of where I started from. I did it once back in the day when I found
emotion, it was brought on by one person. The only person in history to hurt me, burrow down
and cause the utmost amount of pain in the world that burns and stabs even further to this
day.

When I was 6 months old my parents split, my mothers addictive personality found that weed,
then crack and finally heroin was much better than her kids. As my father had fucked off some
time ago my half brother obviously had a bit of an advantage.

So eventually it culminated in her leaving me to fend for myself. It was 1999. By that time
my half brother was smoking up weed at his fathers house quit school and becoming a complete
doley thanks to me. When I was 4 years old I was running around keeping his ass breathing.
Shows me fucking right really.

Anyways, moving on (because I seem to be well good at that), it was 1996. I had changed from
design teschnology to business, and one the first day I met the most amazing man to walk this
shitty fucking evil planet. His name was frank, he was beautiful on the inside and on the
outside, at first I knew there was going to be a bit of a problem, for the first time in my
life in the queue in to that classroom I found myself in awe to him. I eventually became
friend with him, over a year or so when I finally succombed to him. I fell in love. This was
an extemely odd point in my life, I’m a technical boy, everything works in a begining middle
and end there is no feeling or movement in the act of breathing and existing, point to point.

He made me feel better about myself, he made me feel I am important but most importantly he
made me FEEL.

I tried to do everything in my power to make myself more attractive to him, I found myself
even outright lying to woo him. I only lie to people to get what I wanted to survive.

Every moment was about him. But alhough he was the sweetest man on the planet he would have
never wanted me. He wanted women.

I tried to tell him, but I never wanted to lose him, I rather be a friend thanmnothing in his
life; I don’t think you understand how much he meant to me, I eventually told him in an email.
He was alright but wasn’t supportive, so how could I tell him I loved him so much?

I never did in the end. I regret it.

I would give my life to have one kiss, nothing ore just a kiss. I still love him. Nobody has
evber made me feel lobve other thann him. he’s everything, i’m nothing.

i dont want to be here without him, ive spent 11 years trying to forget. i cant. every day
is painful. like being astabbed in the face. nothing but pain.

without him i feel dead. I want to be dead. i can’t deal with this.

there is nobody on the planet that i care about other than frank. i had a dream about him not
too long ago and I woke up crying. me crying? honest;ly.

why does it still hurt, why has nobody replaced him in my life.. just why?